Sunday, July 27, 2014

Current Life Stuff...and Lists

I just spent the last half hour re-reading all of my old blog posts. It was an odd experience and I felt very distanced from the material. It was a year and half ago since I wrote my last post but for some reason it feels much longer than that.

I just finished community college and my A.S. in Computer Science certificate arrived in the mail last week. I'm transferring to a UC as a junior and start school in September with my girlfriend of 3 years come August. I feel so lucky that it worked out for us to attend the same college after having been in a long distance relationship for such a long time and facing the strong possibility that we would end up at different schools.

We both applied to top notch institutions and she got into almost every one she applied to. I did not. She sacrificed more to go to this school than I did, and even though it is selfish, I'm happy we're going together.

Those are the significant developments in my life since December 29, 2012, the date of my last blog post.

I feel like a fucking zombie writing this shit. I used to be funny, or at least I think I was. Is it because I'm older or something? Maybe I just need to be in a different head space, but for some reason I'm afraid I won't be able to write like I used to. I think I just need to focus on a single event, exciting or not, that's happened to me in the last year and try to write about that. That's what worked in the past.

I'm not doing this right. A good writer doesn't describe their writing process during their book. I can't imagine Dan Brown being like, "And then Robert Langdon jumped from the Eiffel Tower and landed on the SRU trampoline. Fuck, what should happen next? Think Danny think...". That shit gets removed in the editing stage. But fuck it. This is a blog and no one reads it and I'm bored. This is basically a free write.

Let's see...what happened this year...I think I got something!

This isn't an actual event, but more an exploration of who I am and in what ways I'm fucking weird.

I make lists. A lot of lists. My Google Tasks lists look like Monk teamed up with Bill Murray's character from What About Bob to create their ultimate list of everything ever, organized perfectly into a million sub-lists. I have a list called Daily Activity where I itemize what I'm going to do for that day. Usually this will only include important stuff, but when my life is really uninteresting this can include "Eat Breakfast" and other things that I will do anyways, but for some reason need to be included. At least this way I'll get to check something off I guess.

For things less important I move them to Extra Daily Activity. This will include things like "Redeem iTunes gift card" or "Learn Bob's Burgers theme song on ukulele and show [girlfriend]". Then there's Not Now. This is a list that no one should have and is completely unnecessary. If this list disappeared I probably wouldn't even notice. And yet, it exists. It includes stuff like "Listen to Pandora". What the fuck? Am I actually going to forget to listen to Pandora? And if I do, does it matter? When is this listening supposed to take place? These notes are things that pop into my head and the only way to clear them is to throw them into a bottomless pit that I'll never check again in my entire life. That's how crazy I am. I write unimportant things down that I know I'll never look at again just so I have the peace of mind to know that it's written down somewhere.

I feel sorry for my family. We use Amazon Prime so we share a family Amazon account...and Amazon has wish lists. I'm not saying that I created 59 wishlists that essentially catalog every product on Amazon...but I did. I also have a wishlist called "Misc". When a guy that obsessively sorts things into categories has a miscellaneous folder you know those products are undefinable. It includes such things as Bed Prism SpectaclesValeo Deluxe Speed Rope (NOT jumping rope, there is a huge non-existent difference, trust me), and Pick Punch. Things where you go, what type of product is that? I know! It's a Pick Punch, a stapler that creates guitar picks, and there's no other way to classify it.

I am obsessed with two items. Watches and pocket knives. One my family feels okay with, the other not as much. Who knew some people were so opposed to watches? For these particular items Amazon has served as a needle dispensary to provide me with my next clean hit of materialistic two-day shipped goods. I particularly like this analogy, because in reality Amazon isn't the drug dealer. Drug dealers are the 3rd party retailers. They're messy and take forever to get you your stuff. Amazon is clean and legit, while still providing you with the shit your body craves in a more timely manner. Knives and watches are two things that nobody needs multiples of. Once you have one knife and one watch you're good. There's no logical reason to have another. That's why I own 7 watches and 13 pocket knives. Because I'm fucking insane.

Since I categorize stuff on Amazon I don't even care about, I treat my watches and knives wishlists with a certain kind of bat-shit crazy enthusiasm that should really only be reserved for nuclear-disarmament and addictive narcotics. My Watches wishlist contains 395 items. My Knives wishlist contains 783. Inside each of these wishlists you'll find every item prioritized ranging from Lowest, Low, Medium, High, and Highest (it's like Amazon knew people like me existed!). But that wasn't enough. I created wishlists I call TOP for the really important stuff. First I created Knives TOP and Watches TOP. I quickly filled these with hundreds of my favorite items and prioritized them inside of the TOP list. But, there were too many items in TOP! So, of course I had to make a TOP 2 wishlist for the stuff that is also important but just slightly less so. This was quickly followed by a TOP 3  with slightly less important stuff than TOP 2, see a pattern? I've stopped at TOP 3, but who knows how long before I have TOP 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8. For now, I can only dream of being that fucked up someday. You've got to have goals in life right?

My girlfriend is great. She puts up with all of my craziness and doesn't have much of her own to give back. Our relationship is lopsided that way. I'm fucking nuts and she's stable. Although she's got to be a little nuts to be with me so there's her craziness I guess. Yeah, looking at it like that, she's crazy for being with me and I'm sane for being with her. So I guess she's fucking nuts and I'm stable. Or so I'll keep telling myself over and over again while I rock myself to sleep in the fetal position.

After re-reading this post I'm highly debating posting this. No one should see this is what I'm thinking. But fuck it. It's the internet and the NSA is already reading it while it's still a draft anyways. If some geeky NSA nerds are staring at their monitors and relating to what I'm talking about I've succeeded. Or maybe I haven't thrown enough keywords like Al-Qaeda and bomb (that should do it) to flag this post as NSA worthy (which by the way is much more awesome than UpWorthy). Just by Googling Al-Qaeda to learn how to spell 'Qaeda' I got on a watch list so this is NSA guaranteed now.

I want a stamp like they put on book covers for my blog that says that in capital letters: "NSA GUARANTEED". That's better than being on Oprah's book club in my opinion.

SIDE-NOTE: The reason I changed the name of the blog to Jayden's Life from Life as a Teenager Today is two-fold. 1. Life as a Teenager Today is a terrible name for a blog that is updated at most annually, and is also just a shitty name for a blog in general. 2. I am not an average teenager, nor is any teenager, and I have no right speaking for anyone else (not that I give a shit). Obsessively managing lists? I think that's just me and a handful of other weirdos, not a normal phase that happens during the teenage years.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Winter and the Bus

It's winter break. Community college is a great improvement over high school when it comes to the length of this break. Where my friends get only two or three weeks I get almost two months. I do not accept my superior choice of going to college early with nonchalant ease though. Instead I throw it in my high school friends faces when I visit them during lunch breaks in early January. "Oh yeah that must have been really fun waking up at 7 and having to get here at 8 and sit through 4 classes before lunch.". "Oh what did I do this morning?" I say without even being prompted. "I woke up at 9:30 and ate breakfast while watching TV then headed over here, yeah that's pretty much going to be my life until mid February...what are you guys going to be up to?". If I had hung out with a tougher crowd I would have had a black eye by now. But I didn't hang out with a tough crowd. It's hard to explain the group I hung out with without sounding racist, or ethnicist as my anthropology teacher would say. Basically I hung out with the latinos. More specifically a Mexican and a Filipino. That's how multiculturally diverse my school was. You could literally count the non-white students in my grade on one hand that's missing three fingers.

These group of guys liked to joke around. During lunch whenever we walked by a group of girls on the way to 7 eleven one of them would say loudly, "Jayden stop talking about how you like that girls ass!". Soon they realized that the girls wouldn't know which one of these assholes was Jayden so to be larger dicks than they already were my friends would say, "Stop talking about how you like that girls ass, Jayden in the grey sweatshirt with blue jeans and olive green shoes!". Some days two of us would be wearing the same outfit, this trick didn't work as smoothly those days.

Lunchtime was miserable at our high school. Staying on campus was so boring that we ended up spending the entire lunch period walking to 7 eleven and back. We didn't even buy anything there. We walked into the store, looked around, and left. Years prior I would have never thought that I would spend my high school lunch periods window shopping at a place that sells 5 day old tacos, slushy's, and that was manned by a Vietnam vet who would tell you about "The War" at checkout if you actually did  end up buying something. My 6th grade self surely would have been disappointed. He probably would have yelled at me for not being the popular kid that he wanted to be when he got to high school. Well tough shit 6th grade Jayden, you totally won't be what you think you will be in high school, and you'll be thankful later too because those guys are complete assholes.

Popularity was a strange thing at our high school. Instead of having a popular group that all the others looked up to, we had many different groups that all hated each other. We had some nerds and some stoners and some teacher's pet girls, and then also a group that you could call "popular" only by the fact that if they had attended some public high school they probably would have been considered that. It was a college prep school so technically all of the groups were nerds, so the group that we called nerds were really hardcore. We had two asian brothers in my grade that jumped ahead 3 years than the rest of the class in Math. They completed every math course offered by the time they were in 9th grade. But they were socially awkward so it balanced out.

My first semester of college I took the bus to school. This was my first time being truly exposed to the glorious wonders of public transportation. Every time I rode I smelled something that I had never smelled before, or saw things that I had never seen before. One day a lady got on the bus that literally smelled like a trash can that rain had spilled inside of that had been fermenting for a couple years now. A Chateau TrashLady 2006 by my smelling estimation. I could not imagine a fouler smell. I have smelled shit before in many forms but they smelled like roses next to TrashLady. She didn't just smell the part either. TrashLady had a shopping basket and a backpack on filled with what looked like, well, trash. It was hard to see if there were any items on her that weren't just pieces of plastic that someone had discarded and she had found while dumpster diving. I also couldn't understand where TrashLady might be going on the bus. I couldn't imagine she could have friends to be visiting when she had a smell like that. Maybe she was going to the TrashLady/TrashMan Expo 2011 at the Civic Center, that would have been the only explanation.

Another day on the bus an entire class of 5th graders boarded. I kid you not, an entire class. One minute all of the junkies and poor-as-shit community college students had the bus to themselves and the next they were swarmed with a bunch of little children that filled every gap that wasn't already taken by an adult, a bottle of off brand whiskey, or a heroine needle. What would make a teacher think that taking a bunch of small children on a public bus full of public people that aren't afraid to show their nuts in public was a good idea is beyond me. I would have personally paid out of my own poor-as-shit pocket to hire a school bus for those children so they wouldn't be subjected to this at such a young age. I know they would experience it later when they would become a poor-as-shit community college students themselves and take the bus but this was too young! If I had done that maybe I could have been a role model for them! And when they become poor-as-shit community college students they would do the same for a 5th grade class that would perpetuate this school bus renting forever so small children would never have to experience the wonders of public transportation until they were old enough to handle the smells and the sights that it entails.